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Top Ten Ways To Keep Your Affair a Secret

 

It does not matter how it happened.  Explain it how you wish, either way, sometimes, two people find themselves in a clandestine relationship and need to keep it secret.  Whether you are hiding an affair from your husband, hiding an affair from your wife, cheating on your girlfriend or cheating on your boyfriend, here are our top tips for keeping your relationship a secret!

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #1: Don’t add affair as a friend on social media

One of the most important rules of being clandestine is, well, be clandestine!  Resist the urge to add your secret affair on social media sites such as Facebook and Instagram.  When suspicious lovers and partners what to poke around, social media friends and follower’s lists are often the first stop in their investigative process.  Also, it is very difficult to control who is taking pictures of whom.  With today’s tagging and face recognition technology, you can be busted without even realizing you were sloppy.  If you want to keep your affair a secret, don’t be friends on the internet.  It may even throw off a suspicious partner.

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #2: Clear Your Browser Cache

Often, cheaters are caught because they are sloppy.  If you are trying to hide your online activity, make sure that you clear your internet browser cache and cookies.  If you are searching for gifts for your significant other, do so in your browsers secret, private, or incognito mode.  Otherwise, the next time someone opens up your browser, your internet ads will be prominently displaying those flowers that you ordered.  Sometimes, they even personalize the ads and will suggest that you get “Jill” another wonderful bouquet of flowers.  Avoid the fight and clean up after yourself.

How: In your browser settings, find the incognito or privacy window and launch it.  Keep your activities there.  Also, after each and every session on the computer, clear the browsers history and cookies.

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #3: Clear Your Cell Phone History

 

Another mistake that people who are having an affair make is that they often do not clear their cell phone logs and call histories.    If you are having a phone intensive relationship, remember that the number you call will appear on your cell phone bill.  You may want to get a “burner” phone, which is a nickname for a prepaid phone that is not connected to you and/or your credit card.  You should make it a practice to purge your call log several times a day.

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #4: Delete Your Emails

Another way that people get tripped up when trying to hide an affair is by leaving an email trail.  If you are communicating by email, you need to make sure you delete the messages in your inbox.  Also remember, that popular email providers like GMAIL also keep a record of your outbox, so it is a good idea to delete the messages in your outgoing mailbox as well.  Some email providers require you to empty your trash bin in order to get rid of the emails you delete, so don’t overlook the trash bin as you might have to take that extra step to ensure that what you have written and/or received is completely gone.

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How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #5: Don’t Send messages at all!!!!!

If you have to write to each other, and you have to write long letters, which of course, you should never do, consider not sending the emails at all.  Create an email account to which only you and your lover have the password and login information.  Then write away, except, when you are finished with your letter, don’t hit send.  Never hit send.  Instead, save the email as a draft.  Then it will go into the draft folder.  You can update each other that an email exists via text message.  Once each party reads the letter, that party should delete the draft.  Of course, this is based on trust.  Either of you can send or print the emails.  However, that was the case if you were just writing each other.  Here, if that does happen, there is no actual proof that you have any connection to the account.  This was one of the ways that David Patraeus allegedly communicated with his mistress during his affair.  Remember to empty the trash.

Check out this article on Rules David Petraeus broke during his affair: CLICK HERE FOR TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR CHEATING A SECRET FROM THE DAILY BEAST

(David Petraeus was the Director of the CIA who was having the affair and then everyone found out – oh..yeah…that guy…)

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #6: Don’t spend time close to home

If you are going to cheat or have an affair, you should never do so in your own backyard.  It is very easy to get caught if you are cheating and meeting your lover close to home.  Remember the episode of Orange is the New Black in which Piper finds out her Dad was cheating?  She is sneaking into a movie with a friend and sees her father leaving the movie theater with a woman who was not her mother.  People notice.  People love to gossip.  Go to towns and places that are not close to your home and/or place of business.  If you are going to parks, go to big parks and try to stay out of big crowds.  It is easy to hide in a crowd, but it is also easy to be spotted and not even know it.  Stay away from places that you would go to with your significant other.  Don’t repeat dates with either one in the same place.  Ever.

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #7: Use Cash, Not Credit

If Cash is not always an option, open a new bank account at a bank that is not near your home and use the debit card.  Sign up for paperless statements.  Send the receipts to a secret email account.  Cash however, is king, especially when you are having an affair or cheating.  Using credit cards is the same as leaving a big note in chalk that says, “JILL AND I ATE HERE” and your significant other WILL FIND IT!  If you are getting the cash from bank accounts that your significant other can monitor or has access to, never withdraw large amounts of cash and never withdraw it on the day that you are seeing your affair.  This is important.  ATM records not only show activity, they can show where that activity took place and help your snooping significant other catch you in the act.  Change up your methods.  Keep making small withdrawals on the days prior to your meet ups.  Nothing screams “I AM CHEATING” like an ATM withdrawal at the HOOK UP MOTEL.  Stranger things have appeared on bank and credit card statements.

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #8: Never in your own house

 

You know all those shows that are popular right now like CSI and NCIS with all the forensics and stuff?  There is a reason they are popular.  People LOVE to solve mysteries.  People also always unknowingly leave evidence of their presence.  Hair, fluids, gum wrappers, garbage, accessories, glitter, scents, and the like are all items that can raise a significant other’s antenna.  That being the case, NEVER, EVER, have an affair in your own house if you can help it.  You can always help it.  There are multiple reasons that one of the best ways to hide an affair or to hide the fact that you are cheating is to refrain from doing things in your own house.  The first, as mentioned earlier, is clear: EVIDENCE!  The second is a little more emotional – if you get caught, your significant other may see the affair having happened in his/her own house and in his/her own bed as not just being disrespectful, but as an additional crime against him/her.  This can be really bad for your future with your significant other.  He or she may have a hard time staying in the house.  Also, the house then becomes a potential trigger factor for fights and arguments.  It will retain the taint of your affair.  It is easier to get caught where someone knows your will be and where someone can position themselves in a secret location while waiting.  Your house is one of those places, no matter what you think.

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #9: Save your affair’s name in your phone as a new gender neutral name

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If you are going to cheat or have an affair and talk to the other person on the phone, at least be smart about it.  Don’t save the person in your phone with their name.  The best way to hide their calls and/or messages in the short term is to give that person a gender neutral name.  If you are a man cheating with a female, give the person a male name.  If you are a woman cheating with a man, give the man a girls name, and so on.  This will at least lesson the initial suspicions should you be getting a call in front of your significant other and not pick up.  When the name flashes on the screen and you choose not the answer your lover’s call, it will not be as suspicious if the person’s name is gender neutral.  There are other methods.  You can save the person with the name of a popular debt collector or utility service, such as a cable company.  This will make it look like multiple calls are just representative of the horrible time you are having with your cable.

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #10: Deny to the end

People often confess inadvertently.  Sometimes it is because they feel guilty.  Sometimes it is because they believe someone has information.  Unless you have 100% confirmation that something is the case, do not confess.  Police officers often use tactics to get suspects to give information.  Significant others are no different.  For example, a police officer will ask how many drinks someone has had, and when someone says a number other than zero, it is an admission they have been drinking.  This is an example of a question that gives someone information they are looking for without asking for the information directly.  Beware of this type of question or conversation in particular.

How to Keep Affair Secret Tip #11: If you get caught, you are caught, decide how to proceed but NEVER, EVER, discuss the sordid details

Ok, so this is an extra tip.  However, it really isn’t related to keeping the affair secret.  This involves a situation where you were cheating or having an affair and you get caught.  In such a situation, never discuss the details of the affair.  No matter how forgiving you think that your partner is, never get baited into telling him or her what happened, where it happened, how it happened, etc.  If you are going to move on, the best way to do so is to either end the relationship and move on, or apologize and commit to working towards building a future.  No good will come of living in the past and having your significant other relive what happened and add to it in his/her imagination.  This is probably going to happen anyway.  If you decide to stay, apologize, understand that your significant other will have some issues with what has happened and may need time to heal, but there is no healing in pulling a scab off.  When you give details of love affairs with others, you do just that, you pull scabs off healing wounds.

Good Luck.  You will need it.  You my friend, are a douche!  Enjoy.

HOW TO CHEAT

Seriously, what is cheating?

Are You A Cheater?   Is it like porn having no definition but you know it when you see it?  Is that ok?

When you are in a relationship, the rules for interacting with people of the opposite sex change.  At least, they are supposed to.  Some people feel that if you have to change your behavior, you are not in a good relationship.  Others feel that there are things you just don’t do if you are in a relationship.

HOW TO CHEAT

What cheating is and what it is not really is not always simple.  That being stated, lets start with what is definitely cheating:

1) Having Sex with Someone who is not your partner when you are in a committed relationship

If you are having sex with someone who is not your girlfriend or boyfriend and you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you have no business even uttering the question “what is cheating.”  That is because you known darn well what cheating is, it is what you are doing, did, or have been doing.  You seriously need to get it together, because you are a cheater.   Of course you are lying to him or her, it makes sense, because you are probably lying to yourself.

What is Cheating?  Having sex with someone other than your partner, outside of their presence without their permission.

2) Anything that leads to Herpes

A Medical School professor once included the following exam question – “What lasts longer: Ever lasting love or Herpes?”  The correct answer was Herpes.  Unfortunately, it always is.

What is cheating?  Well, if you are in a relationship and you are doing something that can lead you to pick up something that lasts longer than everlasting love, then well, you are cheating.

3) “You can’t catch that from a toilet” –

Getting anything that leads to something you need antibiotics for that you can’t catch from a toilet is cheating from someone other than your significant other is cheating.  Such a situation is not just cheating, it is a serious violation of the trust and safety of your partner.  If you find yourself peeing fire after cheating, go to the doctor.   Do not self treat yourself at the supermarket with cranberry juice or some other silly item of that sort. Cranberry Juice does not cure the fire that lives in water. This is different than the last class of cheating, because ever lasting love lasts longer than these things.  However your relationship may not.

What is Cheating? Doing Something that will cause you to bring the Kooties or Ebola home. Ok fine.  Ebola is not cheating.  You can make an argument.  Kooties is not ok.  It wasn’t ok in elementary school and it isn’t ok now.


4) Engaging in Sexual Activities With a Member of The Same Sex

This is the Down Low Brother/Down Low Sister Rule (A Down Low brother or sister is someone who is living the life of a heterosexual individual and is secretly engaged in A closeted Homosexual Lifestyle).  It applies when you are in a relationship.  If you want to be gay, have a gay old time, but don’t think for a second that it is not cheating if you are doing it with someone of the same sex.  I know, this is obvious.  However, there are sooo many cheaters who use that rationale. For some reason it seems to run deep for politicians & Music Moguls, among others.  If you are leading someone to believe you are one thing and they are making life decisions based on those representations, you are not just cheating, you are maliciously destroying someone else’s life.  You are more likely than not a selfish peace of turd.  Not because you are gay.  There are plenty of amazing gay people.  It is because you are a liar.  There are plenty of gay people that will be there with the family members waiting to throw stones at you.

What is cheating? Having any sort of sex &/or sexual contact with a member of the same sex when you are married or in a relationship.  Then End.  It isn’t just cheating, it can lead to resignation of office too.

What Is Cheating?

Cheating Can Be Subjective!

5) Sexting can be Cheating

Sexting is to Cheating what Marijuana is to Drugs, it is a gateway item.  It isn’t crack.  It is a doorway to other actions and behaviors.  In no other situation do you have to wait for something horrible to happen before you can say it was going to happen.  If someone is about to swing a hammer at your head, you aren’t going to get mad at the person that stops them.  If the police catch a guy going to school with 10 guns and a grenade, they don’t have to wait until he nerd rages and takes out half the school before acting to stop him.  Well, the same applies to texting.  If you are sending suggestive pictures of yourself to someone, your partner does not have to wait until you are going to see the goods in person, or vice versa to declare you a cheater.

What is Cheating: Cheating is when you text a picture of your pinky toe to someone with a foot fetish.

6) Engaging in an Emotional Relationship 

If you are engaged in a serious emotional relationship with a member of the opposite sex that is not related to you, you are a cheater.  Emotional cheating is sometimes worse than physical cheating.  It can be very hurtful and destroy a relationship.  If you see this happening, it is a serious sign of cheating or in some cases, it is the precursor to an affair. Also, as we say often on this site, beware of the platonic friend.  All is fun and games until you remember that most of us spent our lives believing that pluto was a planet, only to find out we had been lied to.  They aren’t the same word, but they are close enough to worry.

What is Cheating: cheating is when you are in an emotional relationship with someone who is not in a committed relationship or a cheater is someone who has not closed the door to an emotional relationship with someone they were previously in a relationship with.

7) Kissing anywhere but the cheek

This can lead to herpes.  But even more, it can lead to fights.  If the kiss is on a sexual organ, forget about it, you are cheating.  Even the cheek may be a fight, but it will probably not lead to someone stabbing you in your sleep.

What is cheating? HOW TO CHEAT: Kissing someone anywhere but the cheek, including the butt.  If you are kissing someone’s butt, it can be cheating.

8) Doing anything that can lead to sexual arousal or stimulus and continuing to do so

Heavy Petting, leaning on someone, grinding on someone at a club or elsewhere, meetups in the supply closet, rubbing legs, light massages, sucking fingers, and things of that sort are all cheating.  Essentially foreplay is cheating.  If it is possible that something is considered foreplay, than you are already about the catch a cheating charge.

What is cheatingHow to Cheat? When Bill used the Cigar on Monica, he may not have thought he was having sex, but he knew he was cheating.  The end.


9) Cyber Sex

This comes up.  If you are chatting and text Sexing, it is cheating.  This also comes up with situations where people cheat by masturbating or engaging in sexual activity on web cameras, webcams and the like.  These are often called webcam or LiveCam situations.  Porns sites have whole areas where women and men do shows for people who send money.  Often a show wont start until a viewer sends a certain amount of money through the site’s commerce system.  The performers will set an amount and when the viewers pay in that amount, the “show” will start.  There is a reason people pay for this type of stuff, it leads to sexual gratification.  Such being the case, if you engage in it on either side, it is a form of cheating.  Another place this comes up is in “Second Life” type scenarios in which people engage in sexual activities using avitars.  Yes, this is a serious circumstance and has come up.  One woman explained the situation away by saying that it was “like a video game” and therapeutic.  Her therapist thought the same thing.  Her husband on the other hand needed some therapy of his own.

What is cheating? HOW TO CHEAT: If someone is having sex with your avitar and you are participating, or if someone is engaged in a sexual performance that you are watching in order to gratify that person or you, you are cheating.  If you are the performer, you are also cheating, unless your significant other knows and you are getting paid, in which case, you are a porn star.  But not a good porn star.  You are the porn star equivalent to one of those guys or girls that thinks he or she is a model because a photographer takes pictures of him or her and he or she has 10 or 15 thousand friends as a result on the internet.  Real models and porn stars get a W-2 or a 1099 at the end of the year.  You are just a cheater.

10) Keeping in Touch with Exes

This is the classic fight waiting to happen and people still do it.  Keeping in touch with an ex is never a good idea.  If you have children, the role of being co-parent with someone else may make this avoidable.  Otherwise, a clean break is what is needed.  Nothing good can come of stale wee wee (boys have one) or vajayjay (girls have one).  You wouldn’t eat or handle a peace of candy that was two years past it’s expiration date.  Why are you talking to a guy or girl who is?

Facebook friending exes after the relationship is over is another way to cheat on Facebook.  If you can talk on facebook, you can cheat on Facebook.  As many a scorned man or woman has discovered, cheating and Facebook often go had and hand.  One Congressman’s wife recently found out that cheating and twitter can go together as well.  Cheating and Facebook run together no differently than putting a drug addict into a house full of drugs, it just is not a good idea to put someone who was in a relationship into a situation where they can relapse.  When your ex is sitting there, a click away, it is easier to maintain contact on your weaker days.  The goes for being contacted.  It is the pathway to cheating.

What is a Cheater? If you keep in touch with your ex, you are probably a cheater or a cheater to be.  How to Cheat: If keep touching your ex, you are cheating.

11) “Liking” some Skanky Guy or Chick’s Pictures on Facebook or Instagram

Ok, maybe it is not cheating, but it is definitely a fight waiting to happen.  You may not be thinking it through fully, but when you like someone’s picture, it is a public act.  Now everyone sees it.  It is not a private action.  You are publically telling everyone that you like that.  ALOUD.  As yourself, if you had an old grandma, and that skanky chick was showing her breasts or bent over a table in front of her, would you go over, smack her butt and say “I like this” in front of your significant other and grandma?  I didn’t think so.  Well, that is what you are doing when you do that on Facebook or Instagram.  You are no longer just watching the train wreck, you are a part of it.

What is cheating? HOW TO CHEAT: Smacking and rubbing some skanky girl or guy’s train wreck on the internet.

by Jerry Robinowitz & I.

Retaliation is by far the sweetest fruit….I mean the world is indeed full of crazy instances in which retaliation creates a greater good. They say one person’s trash is another person’s treasure….isn’t that some really ironic stuff…I mean in relationships isn’t that the case…well in my experience you break up and she finally starts growing hair and gets some teeth whitener but hey, my experience is atypical and I don’t wanna get side tracked…you see, we are here to help you out and today, as per request, we will revisit the subject of retaliation…

Jerry Robinowitz on Retaliation

Also known as Jerry Robinowitz on Dating & Retaliation.  Retaliation is an important tool. It will always help the world to be a better place for you and me. Well, maybe just for me but hey, who the hell do you think you are anyway? So what’s retaliation you ask? Retaliation is what you do when you get someone back for something you done. Contrast this with doing something to random people for no reason cause that’s called “you are a crazy mofo and you had better not drop the soap where they are gonna put you.”  I think you get the idea. So retaliation is purely in response to something. Now don’t feel as if you have to do someone a favor and let them know it’s coming…in fact, you don’t do that…this is important…you must catch that fool by surprise…whatever you do, it must be unique and hit hard…for instance, some wives will during a divorce, sell a $50,000 car for $50 to a stranger just so the husband gets nothing because after all, that’s the car he used to literally ride that little deep throating flusie in…that hurts…see, once, a long long time ago someone got me so angry that I took one of those little bouillon cubes, you know the little cubes you dissolve in water and in makes it chicken soup…well I took the cube and I put it in her shower-head…that way when she came in the morning to take her shower and wash her hair, the hot water would mix with the bouillon soup and create a chicken soup shower….now you do that to someone and they will stink like chicken soup for some time….good lord if they are late for work that morning…..”hey what’s that smell”……but you get the idea…you have to come hard…inspire hatred..

The Revenge List: Who To Cheat With If You Want To Get Back At A Cheater!

Background noted, if your mate cheats on you and you want revenge you may wish to cheat as well…if so here are the people you should sleep with if you are a man…the second most powerful retaliatory act is to sleep with her mother…the biggest missile would be sleep with her father, but I don’t recommend that..its crazy…and I’m personally not gay but if you are a homo thug, you go keep it in the family….now the third biggest hit would be siblings, brothers and sisters, followed by cousins and relatives. If you have no access or chance at one of the above, try people they claim to be related to but aren’t really..like fake cousins…none of those, find good friends, and if you are at a loss, then find an enemy…if all else fails, find out where she went to elementary school and go have sex with the girl that used to eat her boogers, or better yet, the infamous glue sniffer…


 

To recap, if you want to get back at a cheater by cheating, cheat with the following in the following order:

 

Who To Cheat With:

  1. Mother (if you are a woman) Father (if you are a man)
  2. Father (if you are a woman) Mother (if you are a man)
  3. Siblings: Brothers and Sisters
  4. Cousins and Relatives
  5. Fake Cousins & Siblings (People they grew up close to)
  6. Good Friends
  7. Enemies and Distant Friends
  8. People They think are lower than them: Glue sniffers, train wrecks, girls with yellow teeth, girls with horrible stretch marks that show them often, girls with too much make up, girls with 80’s hair, really really short guys, guys with shirtless pictures on the internet, juice heads who have no clue, spanish & black guys (if you are white, cause that will make a white man really mad..)…etc…not in that order…

In any event, you get them back! But if you’re really an adult, you will forgive, forget and when you see her again, you say, yes, that is a great idea, I would like fries with that! And then you take your french fries and you leave!  After all, we all know that cheating exes end up working at a fast food restaurant or with some other horrible situation in the years that follow our relationships…

Disclaimer: This post uses terms like “homo thug” and does so lovingly.  This site and this post are in no way intended to in anyway disrespect, vex, or alarm homosexuals.  In fact, we are very happy to have all people as readers of our site.   Anyone that thinks the term “homo thug” is derogatory has never been punched in the face by a thugged out homosexual.  If I was in a fight, I should only be so lucky if a thugged out homosexual were to punch someone in the face for me.  You should be so lucky as well.  That is all I have to say about that…

Sometimes you just can’t make up what is happening when people cheat.  You can think that you know someone, but the truth is, they can be into all sorts of crazy freaky stuff.  To be sure, you just never really know who someone is!

In this crazy episode of Cheaters, which is brought to you via World Star Hip Hop, some poor unfortunate herb (that is a guy who just got a bad bounce in this case) comes home to his house to find his girlfriend cheating.  He knew she was probably cheating..but what he found was sure to shock and awe.  We still don’t know exactly what we saw, but it was cheating, it was strange and it was definitely the closest thing to carnival or circus sex we have ever seen!  Masks and construction tape, make up and vests, creepy carnival music and a role playing girlfriend who was doing the nasty with some sort of Halloween monster…you just have to see for yourself..

Title this one: “I am gonna have to catch a case…”


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